Ever have someone say or ask something that seemed "way too personal" to you? Or, you are standing at a gathering and someone is a "close talker"; you take a step back and they then step forward, re-entering your "discomfort zone"? Boundaries at work.
First, what is a boundary? It is something that indicates bounds or limits; a line of separation or demarcation.
This subject of boundaries is a complex one. There are mental, emotional, physical, social and spiritual boundaries. Who erects them? You? Others? When? Why? Some serve our current values and goals; and some don’t. Let’s start with those that work (well enough) for our higher good and that we personally are in charge of setting.
BOUNDARIES that Serve Us
Without (some) boundaries, there would be chaos. On the positive side, these barriers keep unwanted things out. For example, let’s say that you consciously desire a peaceful (mental, emotional, physical, social and spiritual) life. Like tens of millions worldwide, you have been in the habit of watching the nightly news. Then one day you realize that the kind of news you are watching basically hasn’t changed in two decades. You have been taking in wars, murders, fires, "accidents", political scandals…visually and auditorally night after night after night. The names and faces change but the subjects, over and over, remain the same. And you finally realize the impact of these negative occurrences result in negative thoughts, feelings and body sensations within you each time you expose yourself to these human-related dynamics. This awareness is a choice point.
But choice points are not always easy. For instance, twenty years of nightly news is a strongly ingrained habit. You have programmed your brain to be wired to remind you to turn on Channel 8 at 6pm perhaps with your beverage of choice or even your dinner. In order to change that habit, you will need to reprogram your brain to do something different (hopefully, something more nurturing for your mental/emotional/physical bio-system). The brain likes to do what it is already wired to do; it’s simply easier. So you need a strong commitment to persevere in a new replacement habit for 21 to 90 days (the time it can take to physically rewire the brain’s gray and white matter when it’s wired strongly to do something). You need to keep your goal in mind as the perseverance carrot (see the four step practice later in this book). Changing one’s current boundaries can be a tough assignments but worthwhile changes are worth the effort. The resulting strengthened resilience will serve you well.
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