Monthly Archives: August 2014



"the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult."


Resentment is so common amongst we humans that it mostly goes under the radar of consciousness. It seems like such a natural thing. Simply a part of life you might say.


But take another look. It really is madness.


Here is a common story. A man I know began a serious relationship with a woman a few years after his divorce. They eventually married, the second for both of them. This can be hard on children from the first marriage. After seven years into the second and wonderful marriage, it came to light that one of the daughters of the first marriage had been holding deep resentment of the new wife for a full seven years.


Again, in the complex world of relationships you may say, "Oh well, that’s to be expected". Perhaps. But does it have to be inevitable?


If you reread the first part of the definition of resentment, "the feeling of displeasure or indignation…" and begin to break down the dynamics of resentment, an important truth can come to light. While the displeasure is aimed outward at the person "…regarded as causing injury or insult", who is actually experiencing the displeasure or indignation? In the case of the daughter in the story, she carried the negative feelings within her for seven full years. Seven years of toxic thoughts and feelings. Yikes!


Let’s bring that rascal the egoic mind back in. The ego delights in judging others to be wrong. In the story above, the daughter’s ego aimed its judgement at the new wife. The daughter never even expressed her resentment (judgement) to her Dad or his wife. The thoughts and feelings of displeasure all occurred within her own living environment.


So who suffered? The daughter did! The unnerving part is that our own egos don’t seem to care that the pain caused is actually inflicted on its own hosting human. And we humans are so used to this egoic dynamic that we don’t even realize that our own egos are doing this to ourselves (in the guise of aiming the resentment outward).


So  at the very least, WIIFM (What’s In It For Me?) to use our EQ to become self-aware of the resentment and self-manage those resentful thoughts and feelings? Well, feeling better in the absence of resentment is a clearly positive outcome.


An additional relationship benefit of course is that if we have also been overtly expressing the resentment toward the person we accuse of the offending act, the cessation of that negativity will bring them more peace too. Win-Win.


What will aid in the clearing out of resentment from your system? Neutrally witnessing the negative thoughts and feelings through self-awareness is the key. Then unpack the contributing elements. Get a full understanding of what factually occurred and what you wanted to happen instead. Try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. See if you might understand their intentions, their motivations; what was in it for them (WIIFT?) to do what they did?  Try on some empathy for their situation. Even better, have a courageously truthful conversation with the other party. Communicate sensitively, coming from your higher wisdom and not from your judgmental, critical ego. See what clarity emerges between you two.


Note: Unfortunately, children (as used in the example) don’t have the developed skills described in the unpacking suggestions above. Thankfully, even as adults who began building resentment as children, we can access modalities such as Life Coaching, Counseling, Therapy, Hypnotherapy etc. to help us clear out the toxicity even decades after first forming the resentment.


Summary: Feeling the displeasure of resentment erodes our resilience. Feeling "better" in its absence boosts our resilience. A delightful no brainer.


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“Mountain Daredevils”

They take their bikes

To incredible heights

Just to come down again

But unlike the easy

Ride up the slopes

There’s danger on their descent


The trail’s unforgiving

With peril they’re living

While deeply thrilled to the bone

Wreckless or wise

The difference will tell

As their insights and skills they hone


I’m well past the age

Of this adventurous stage

No more rattle and roll of this kind

Still, journeys abound

Gentler thrills to be found

Keeping hard won wisdom in mind


While growing older is inevitable, how to learn from our experiences and adjust next ventures for success is the leading of a conscious and intentional life. What "mistakes" might you be repeating? What will you do to get off those gerbil wheels of failures by using your accumulated wisdom? Your brain is wired but the good news is that you are in charge of the rewiring (for greater and greater success).


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“How Many Times Does a Bear Get Stung”

We are at Whistler Mountain, British Columbia and the slopes have 17

> known bears in residence. Like most of us, these creatures are

> omnivores eating almost anything (ok, my sister-in-law won’t put

> anything green in her mouth). Bears particularly love berries and

> honey in season. Each have differing risk of bee stings.


> Have you ever poked around in blackberry or raspberry bushes for those

> sweet fruits? Bees are also attracted and once in a while you might get stung.

> While the risk is low, it’s still there and you need to assess how

> much you love berries and how much you dislike stings. As a boy, I

> often took the chance of sneaking the Oreo cookies I was addicted to but was only "caught"

> once in a blue moon. As an adult professional corporate trainer/coach,

> I sometimes push participants gently toward their success. Only once

> in a while does someone bite back in mental resistance. But mostly

> there is satisfaction in watching people gain new and useful insights.


> But sometimes I go for the honey; almost sure to get stung. But my oh

> my how sweet is that nectar! As a 12 year old, I once elected to go on

> a day long adventure with a cousin without permission. When I returned

> home and got "found out", I was grounded for a time. Big adventure;

> big consequences. As an adult trainer/coach, I sometimes see an

> opportunity to push a participant past their resistance tipping point.

> When successful, the person has a life-changing transformational

> experience. When they resist going there, the entire class can experience the backfire. Bigger reward, bigger risk.


> What is your general practice? Do you play it safe and only gain small

> rewards? Do you take bigger risks for the scrumptious honey and

> sometimes experience bigger failures? Neither approach is right or

> wrong but each has its own results. What holds you back from playing

> the bigger game? How can you use your accumulated wisdom to reduce the

> risks? Do you see how taking bigger steps also increases your capacity to succeed AND fail (at times)?

> Life is too short to live in a rut of small decision-making. See what

> it’s like to go for more honey. Like the bears, you may decide that

> the delight is worth the risk.

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Daily Blog: “Agog”

> I’m all agog

> I’m quite enthralled

> By all I see today

> Excitement rules

> With great suspense

> For what is on my way


> Imagine living a life where you see every dawning day as a brand new

> canvas of life to paint as you choose. Each breath is a gift. Your

> conscious in-breaths invite the best of possibilities. You expel that

> which you don’t want with each conscious exhalation. Every moment is

> sacred. Every person you meet has a gift for you to discover. Every

> activity you undertake reveals new insights for your delight. Oh what a life that would be.


> Try it out for a day. See what changes for you. After all, it is your life!

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Managing Through Conflict

“Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it” –Anonymous

Conflict is a part of our lives, both personally and professionally.  It has to be accepted as such, but some deal with conflict far better than others and ultimately live more peaceful lives as a result.

In a workplace setting, Conflict can arise from a variety of sources such as power struggles, poor communication, or personality differences.  All of these factors can present rather complicated challenges and often have multiple sub-factors going on for each party involved.  However, as a Leader in your organization, it is essential that you discover methods for diffusing conflict with creative, mutuality-based solutions.  Our own personalities play such a big part in the way we approach a conflict; some choose to simply avoid dealing with it.  However, no resolution will be made with this tactic.  Some will acquiesce if they are not confident in their leadership skills, but giving in also does not resolve the conflict in a mutually fair way.  Some leaders will compete and insist that they get their way with no room for the other party to feel gratified.  Some will compromise which is far closer to a resolution than any of the above approaches, but both parties have to give plenty to receive only some.  Finally, some leaders understand the value of collaboration.  This is the best scenario, but also the hardest to achieve effectively.  It takes time, understanding, emotional intelligence and perseverance.  However the result of collaborating through a conflict is that both parties receive far more in the end while strengthening the relationship.  This mutually satisfying resolution is the goal of any conflict and natural leaders will be able to employ this method due to the trust they have built with their team members. 

For more information on managing through conflict, please read Managing from the Inside Out by Jim Hornickel.  Available at

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